yours is acts of service and gifts.
mine is touch and time.
how then can we make each other feel loved and feel loved ourselves?
you dont really like spending all the time in the world today, yes we do have quality time (sometimes). and you dont really like to be very touchy.
and you dont really say that you love me much, or say that you miss me much.
you do things and get stuff for me. but i dont feel loved that way.
i appreciate you doing and getting stuff for me but i dont feel loved.

then like on your case.
you want me to buy stuff for you but then its like i dont know why i dont seem to have enough money all the time. i dont know what i spend on really. and im not the kind of person that like to spend alot of money at one time. like maybe i spend 15 bucks on a dress alr, i'll feel heartpain. and like yes buying things for you is different. i dont mind spending a bit more. but i still do feel heartpain. because im not a gift person.
and like acts of service, omg. that's even worse.. i dont even like to do things for people
how can i do acts of service for you.

yknow, ive been trying my best to like text/call/hangout less with you.
i dont know if you realised.
i know that you will probably think im pissed now
but i guess i just need to vent.
then i'll be okay. oh wells.
sigh..

ps, things will be okay nat. you just need to get use to it.

school hols are coming to an end.
im super upset about it! rahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
im gonna be emo.
ive not completed my work and ive not started studying.
sigh ):


ps, i still love you :D

the past 2 days have been pretty awesome.
well actually since like 16 june till now things have been pretty awesome for me.
cause ive been spending alot of time with my B.
like on the 16th, we went out to just hang out and then at night we went for revival night meeting then he stayed over at my place. of course my parents allowed la!
then on the 17-18th we had life conference, therefore we spent almost 24hours tgt.
then on the 19th, it was my bday!!! so definitely spend the whole day out.
he planned a surprise party for me!!!
so sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! :D
and he bought me the hamsters which you can see in the picture below.
and then at night we went to some japanese restaurant.
after that on the 20th, we didnt meet.. but it was fine :D
then on the 21st, which is yesterday.. he came over to spend the day with me..
we played runescape! heehee :P
and then today he came over again.. just to chill with me and stuff! hahah :D
i love my b so so so much!

ps, thank you for being so understanding bb :D




okay, i seriously need to vent so badly.

anyway, before i vent.. i just want to thank you b for being here for me today in the afternoon.
im having a serious break down.
im going mentally crazy.
yes, you are right. im easily affected my things but i cant help it, its just my nature!!
im affected by the whole wide world.
im so careful of who is around you, what you do, who tells you what.
omg.. why is everything about you?
gosh.
cant i just leave you alone?
okay, maybe i care for you. but this is too much. i shouldnt care so much.
you should do whatever you want.
and im not gonna stop you.
im gonna try to let go.

and like about the whole disappointment thing, i am seriously super disappointed.
i just need to vent it.
like, i mean how can you be a stumbling block and be so open about this whole drinking issue.
i mean like, hello?
this is still a church setting leh.
you are a leader as well, and going out as a cell?! seriously?
if you want to drink, please do it discreetly and not like stumble anyone.. and so what if they agreed to drink with you?
i mean come on la, what will you guys think if i drink even though we are all just close friends?
sigh. seriously man. aiyah, people will disappoint you anyway.
im not gonna care anymore.
i want out.

and about you, thank you for not quarrelling with me anymore.
i enjoyed today even though i didnt really study as much as i would like to.
but thank you for today,
even though we did have our small bickers and stuff
thanks for giving in to me
but sometimes when i do things for you or dont allow you to do things, its cause im just protecting you and like about the whole drinking thing or like the people whom you hang around with, its just that i dont feel comfortable.
and im sorry if you feel very tied down when i do that
i promise you that i will let you do whatever you want.
im just gonna be here for you
and seeing you make wrong choices and making mistakes is gonna break my heart but somethings i just gotta let you learn it on your own.
and like, even if one day you decide that you actually like doing all the wrong things and i cant stop you, i'll blame myself for not holding you tightly but i will let you continue doing it cause i have no control over your life.

i just want you to know that i love you and i do everything is because i care for you.
i just want you to be a good boy and be a good boyfriend and husband someday in the future.
take care of yourself.
ive got no more say.

just be very careful.

ps, my head is in a mess and i still need to vent. all these words still havent fully helped me express myself.

hurting inside

dear Lord, give me strength.
things have been fine, but why must it be like this now?
i need to be strong to be on my own when you leave.
goodbye.