okay, i seriously need to vent so badly.

anyway, before i vent.. i just want to thank you b for being here for me today in the afternoon.
im having a serious break down.
im going mentally crazy.
yes, you are right. im easily affected my things but i cant help it, its just my nature!!
im affected by the whole wide world.
im so careful of who is around you, what you do, who tells you what.
omg.. why is everything about you?
gosh.
cant i just leave you alone?
okay, maybe i care for you. but this is too much. i shouldnt care so much.
you should do whatever you want.
and im not gonna stop you.
im gonna try to let go.

and like about the whole disappointment thing, i am seriously super disappointed.
i just need to vent it.
like, i mean how can you be a stumbling block and be so open about this whole drinking issue.
i mean like, hello?
this is still a church setting leh.
you are a leader as well, and going out as a cell?! seriously?
if you want to drink, please do it discreetly and not like stumble anyone.. and so what if they agreed to drink with you?
i mean come on la, what will you guys think if i drink even though we are all just close friends?
sigh. seriously man. aiyah, people will disappoint you anyway.
im not gonna care anymore.
i want out.

and about you, thank you for not quarrelling with me anymore.
i enjoyed today even though i didnt really study as much as i would like to.
but thank you for today,
even though we did have our small bickers and stuff
thanks for giving in to me
but sometimes when i do things for you or dont allow you to do things, its cause im just protecting you and like about the whole drinking thing or like the people whom you hang around with, its just that i dont feel comfortable.
and im sorry if you feel very tied down when i do that
i promise you that i will let you do whatever you want.
im just gonna be here for you
and seeing you make wrong choices and making mistakes is gonna break my heart but somethings i just gotta let you learn it on your own.
and like, even if one day you decide that you actually like doing all the wrong things and i cant stop you, i'll blame myself for not holding you tightly but i will let you continue doing it cause i have no control over your life.

i just want you to know that i love you and i do everything is because i care for you.
i just want you to be a good boy and be a good boyfriend and husband someday in the future.
take care of yourself.
ive got no more say.

just be very careful.

ps, my head is in a mess and i still need to vent. all these words still havent fully helped me express myself.